Well, it took long enough, but I've finally figured out the problem. For some odd reason, I have to set my system time 5 hours into the future for TOR to work. I suspect that my time is being configured properly, but something isn't properly set with regards to my time zone. Also, I rather stupidly spelled "forward" as "foward" in the config file.
So here's the EASY way:
1. Open a console and copy+paste these
sudo echo "forward-socks4a / 127.0.0.1:9050 ." >> /etc/privoxy/config
3. In Firefox/Iceweasel set your proxy settings manually
sudo /etc/init.d/privoxy restart && /etc/init.d/tor restart
If TOR still does not connect without an apparent reason, do THIS:
1. Download the Vidalia source code (not required, but useful for troubleshooting)
2. Extract the compressed files
3. Follow the three commands listed in the INSTALL file that will be in the extracted folder to build and install vidalia
4. run vidalia
5. click "Messages" (bottom left on the GUI)
6. see if it tells you your clock is set improperly. It will tell you the offset in seconds
7. set your time according to the offset. A quick google search will reveal some console commands to do this. If the resulting time is in the next day, remember to increment/decrement the day appropriately.
8. TOR should be working
Once you know the offset, it obviously won't be necessary to download vidalia anymore. The only thing to remember will be the offset, and the Linux date commands.
Special thanks to Haez for at least attempting to help