Funny Stuff

[Archangel-Amael]

From a new book available on amazon.
Enjoy.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
—
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
—
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s twenty, much like your IQ.
—
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
—
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
—
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new
attorney?
—
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
—
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
—
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
—
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
—
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
—
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?*
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.*
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
—
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
—
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[imported_BaconZombie]

Tips for Cyber Security from US Government, have a look at the 2nd last tip...

[Archangel-Amael]

Nice BOFH139 Nice!

[Henry Microfarad]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Holy cow, that was brilliant.
How the world would be different with a PSOD!
I hope Bill saw that.

Best line: "I never liked that freaking penguin.."

[Archangel-Amael]

[mfBaranian]

The best SQL injection video (I've ever seen)

Paul Simon's "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover," but for software security nerds

[SephStorm]

ROFLMFAO. Classic.

[imported_SuspectZero]

in my countless hours idolizing chris paget, i found this.

YouTube - Chris Paget Fox News Appearance 07/15/09

skip ahead to about 2:30 and see the awesomeness that is fox news under chris's name :P

[Dissident85]

Being borderline obsessed on finding better ways to encrypt my laptops. I found this really funny

[SephStorm]